Why I’m not happy about being pregnant
I had a feeling was pregnant but I didn’t want it to be true. I was having some cramps, much lighter than usual. Immediately I thought, implantation cramps. Crap. But there was still time for my cycle to come, so I waited. Then, I was late. I had just recently gotten my cycle back after two years and was irregular so I waited another week hoping I would have a cycle, nothing. Well s$&@. There I was, sitting on the toilet with a test in hand. Naturally, one of my kids come yelling and I throw the completed test on the counter. I come back to TWO LINES. Positive. After saying every curse word in the book and after I crying a little, I immediately messaged my husband, “guess we’re not done”. Two weeks prior, we had just decided that we were done. I was definitely not happy about being pregnant. You can read my post here about how I thought I was done but my behavior may have shown otherwise.
But there I was, pregnant. I felt so angry and upset about being pregnant. And then guilty for feeling angry and upset. I prayed for a false positive, a fluke. Maybe it was a cyst or tumor? Another blighted ovum, perhaps? How awful to wish for these things! There are women who dream of having children but can’t or some who have been trying for years and here I am pissed off that I am. That guilt ate at me for days.
I scheduled my appointment to confirm, but it wasn’t for another three weeks. I can’t tell you all the things that were going through my head while I waited. I may have even fallen into a bit of pre-natal depression. Yes, it does exist. I did nothing except tend to my boys. I never cleaned, I rarely cooked, and our backyard was the most sunshine and exercise my poor kids got. Sometimes, it took me three to four days to shower. I was beyond overwhelmed to say the least. But despite how low I felt, abortion and adoption were definitely not options for me.
I started to think about my independence, hoping there was no baby. No more breastfeeding? Finally. No more high chair, walker, diapers, crib? Heck yes. Little D was going to start preschool this fall which meant more time with just Little J. Managing one kid is SO much easier than two. I was finally going to start getting the boys into their own bedroom which meant more sleep for me. My boys were becoming more independent and I was looking forward to my independence too. Instead, I’m starting all over.
I told a few close friends and my mom, hoping they would understand how I felt about the situation. They did. And I felt a little better.
I arrived at my appointment hoping to have answers. I needed to know if it was real or not. Not another urine test, but an ultrasound. As I waited in the waiting room, there were other women there patiently waiting their turn. I couldn’t help but wonder if they wanted their pregnancies too. I sat there nervous and extremely tired since I worked the night before. Sadly, my first appointment only included a urine test, some blood work, and a Pap smear. I was to schedule an ultrasound for dating. Ugh! I just wanted this to be over. I was not happy about being pregnant.
Luckily, I got in that week and there I was again waiting amongst other women with their husbands seemingly joyous. I wasn’t. They looked at me, with a somewhat concerned look. Did they think I was too young? Not married? My first? I was none of those things. I’m happily married woman, with two wonderful boys, a stable career, and home I can call my own. I was called in and was greeted happily. “Hi, good morning! Have you emptied your bladder?”. “Umm, right before I drove here” I told her. “Why don’t you give it another try, and if not, no worries. I’ll meet you in room four, okay”. “If you could just undress from the waist down, there will be a towel to keep you covered”.
As I sat there, cold and still hoping for a fluke, I wondered what it would really be like with three kids. I just couldn’t see myself with three so it couldn’t be true right? Then she came in, “so is this your first?” I look younger than my age so maybe that’s why she asked. Clearly she didn’t look at my chart. “It’s actually my third”, I said. “Oh wow, you’re a busy woman” Ugh! I felt so annoyed. Then I felt bad because she was a nice woman. I was on such an emotional roller coaster.
“Do you have any concerns?” I’ve had an early miscarriage in the past so naturally there were a lot of concerns. But I just needed to hear if there was a heartbeat to make sure.
Then there it was, my uterus, with a baby inside. Head, rump, and buds for arms and legs and all. Cute little tiny baby. Then she guided the ultrasound over the heart, it was clearly beating. “There’s the heart, it is beating nice and strong”.
“Can I hear it?” I needed to hear it.
“Of course! It’s one of the most calming sounds to hear”. There it was, loud and clear. It was real alright.
Almost instantly I became at ease. Everything was going to be okay. This baby is here for a reason and I just need to trust in God that everything will work out. No matter what struggles I am going through, no matter how overwhelmed I feel, and no matter how much more will be on my plate, I know that it’s all part of His plan for my family and I. I’m lucky enough to have a very supportive husband and family so I won’t be alone in this journey. Soon, I’ll get to meet my third baby that I was meant to have.
In writing this post and with talking to some close friends, I’ve realized that pregnancies may be unwanted but babies rarely are. If you can relate to this post and are not happy about being pregnant, know that you are not alone in your feelings. Everything will work itself out.